


Existential Dread

by nautical_2



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: 2k of me talking about dreams, don't ask me what this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-07-17 07:05:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16090526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nautical_2/pseuds/nautical_2
Summary: Wake up.





	Existential Dread

Sometimes, the others like to complain that Sehun spends too long looking in the mirror and staring at himself. That he spends too much time admiring how he looks, examining every corner of his face for flaws, that he’s self centered and overly confident and disgustingly good looking.

It’s not his fault really. To have this kind of job– to be in the entertainment industry requires a certain kind of beauty, and there is no denying that he is– objectively– beautiful.

But there’s more to it, more that Baekhyun and Jongdae don’t quite understand as he stares at himself in the mirror and fixes his make up and his hair. 

Everyday, Sehun likes to look in the mirror and remind himself that he is living the dream. Living his dream. 

There’s a certain poetic beauty to it, really. He has fought for this, worked so very hard to get to where he is. He should be allowed to be proud of himself. He should be allowed to look in the mirror and see his own face and remember that this is the life he’s always wanted, and that he’s living it right now. 

Sehun looks in the mirror and remembers that he is living his dream. 

And so he does. 

(Live, that is. But whether it’s a dream or a nightmare, he’s not quite sure.)

\---

Everything is starting to feel like a dream, kinda. This time it’s the sleepy kind of dream, where you go to bed and you wake up in the morning and by the time you’ve brushed your teeth and changed out of your pajamas you no longer quite remember what happened during the time between when your head hit the pillows and when you opened your eyes once more. 

Those kind of dreams. 

The dreams of standing on stage, again and again, performing the same songs over and over again. It’s the same routines, the same flashing lights and screaming crowds and it feels amazing but it’s also blurry at the edges, and feels a little bit like a dream. 

Sehun looks at himself backstage, in the mirror, and reminds himself that yes his life is a dream but it’s the other kind of dream. 

The living kind. 

\---

Zhang Yixing is a dream. 

Everyone in EXO is unearthly beautiful. Sehun knows this, he’s lived this fact for years, and yet he still finds himself surprised by how incredibly flawless everyone is. 

Minseok has the face of a five year old child and the body of a god. Junmyeon has a nearly symmetrical face with well proportioned features. Baekhyun’s eyes sparkle when he smiles, and Jongdae has the most unique smile, and Chanyeol has arms thicker than most people’s legs and Kyungsoo has legs thicker than Chanyeol’s arms and Jongin has the most incredibly sexy facial expressions and–

They are a dream, and Sehun is proud to be part of that dream. 

And he is, part of this dream, that is, but Zhang Yixing is something more. Zhang Yixing is an innocent face, despite his struggles, despite everything he’s gone through to get where he is, despite how hard he’s worked over the years. Zhang Yixing is one solitary dimple when he’s smiling, or concentrating, or doing just about anything, because he stands with the other eight (eleven) of them and yet continues to stand alone. Zhang Yixing is dance, is dancing, because that’s what he was born to do and that’s what he will do, even if heaven itself tries to stop him. 

Zhang Yixing is a dream, but more importantly, he is Sehun’s dream. 

\---

Love is…

Inadvisable. 

Sehun shouldn’t be in love. He can’t be in love. With everything he’s fought for, everything he wants, he shouldn’t be falling in love. He can’t. 

It doesn’t matter that Zhang Yixing is a dream. Dreams are dreams for a reason– he knows this. Dreams are when reality doesn’t quite match up with imagination, and Sehun can imagine falling in love with Zhang Yixing all he wants but he will never, ever, love him in real life. 

(Zhang Yixing will never, ever, love him back.)

\---

Love is… 

Improbable. 

EXO works hard. Every KPOP group works hard, but when Sehun is standing in the middle of the practice room, sweat dripping down his back, every part of his body aching, he likes to think that EXO works a little harder than most. 

He acts in movies and shows. He goes to modeling events, and spends hours in front of the cameras, showing off clothes that don’t belong to him and a body he forced himself to be proud of. He stands on stage, the lights shining hot on his face, a sea of people screaming his name (their names), and hardly has enough time to sleep– he should not have enough time to fall in love. 

But Zhang Yixing is beautiful. He has his own movies, his own shows. He does his own modeling events, miles away but still the same. He has a beautiful body and stands on the same stage as Sehun–

Stood. He  _ did _ stand on the same stage,  _ stood _ on the same stage, and as Sehun sings and raps and performs the same songs over and over again he wonders if Zhang Yixing can feel that connection, despite the distance between them. 

(He’s not sure which the better answer would be: yes, or no.)

\---

Love is…

Unacceptable. 

He remembers the backlash other members got for dating, and how those relationships never lasted. He thinks of Baekhyun, and Jongin, and even the ones that were never revealed, hidden in lies and whispered in coded tongues. There isn’t an outright ban on dating, SM is bad but not that bad, but there is still that unspoken rule:

Do not fall in love. 

Sehun watches Zhang Yixing from afar, from up close, but does not dare touch. Does not dare speak. 

He has given up a lot to be here. Sehun thinks of his family, of the friends he was forced to give up, how nothing matters besides their hours in the practice rooms and in the recording studio and on buses and in planes, never stopping, never resting. Zhang Yixing gave up a lot to be here too, and the one thing Sehun will never ever do is take away someone else’s dream. 

(Sometimes, he wonders if he even has a dream anymore, or if he’s just been reduced to staring and wanting and waking up, morning after morning.)

\---

Love is unavoidable.

Love is unavoidable and Sehun is drawn to Yixing like the moon to the earth, like the earth to the sun. 

Love is unavoidable and Sehun breathes in and then breathes out. He may not have much, but he has this– this love. 

It is enough. 

(It has to be enough, for if it is not, Sehun has nothing left.)

\---

It all comes back to dreams, though. The fact that this life is the one he had dreamed of, and this love is a love that comes from the dreams of the unloved. Sehun himself was never unloved, really, for he had a good family and great friends, but there are moments where he wonders if this is what it feels like, what it would feel like. When Zhang Yixing has been miles away for more than a year, and there is nothing left here but the same damn songs, over and over again. 

The audience cheers, and screams, and he can see the glowing of lightsticks illuminate each fan’s face, and it looks like a sea of light, a sea of white, a sea of love and blessing and hope. 

A sea of dreams, so far off, that it’s only blinking in the distance. 

They cheer and scream for him, and his brothers, but he can hardly hear them. He doesn’t want to hear them, not when there’s a human sized hole standing among their ranks and reminding Sehun that he no longer has a dream. (Four humans, if he thinks back, but that only brings pain and pain and more pain and– )

I am living my dream, he tells himself every morning, because if he forgets that one single fact he’ll have nothing left. 

\---

Sehun wonders if Zhang Yixing misses them. 

Zhang Yixing is, without a doubt, successful. He has worked hard and achieved what he set out to do– Sehun can only dream of being that successful, of having his face plastered on billboards all around the country, of having everyone and their grandmothers knowing his name. 

Dream. How odd it is to dream, to have a dream, to  _ be _ a dream. 

He likes to think that Zhang Yixing misses them. It’s hard to tell, though, through text and voice calls and social media posts. Sehun reads them all with fervor, relying on a translation app when needed, and he hopes and prays that Zhang Yixing misses them (misses him) at least a fraction as much as Sehun misses him. 

Zhang Yixing seems to live his life in double time. He does twice as much as the rest of the band does, hopping from place to place, city to city, China to America and back to China again. Sehun can hardly keep track of all that he’s doing, all the places he’s going, and it’s as though there are actually three or four Zhang Yixing’s, because no one can do all of that in one lifetime, let alone one year. 

Zhang Yixing is a dream, and he’s Sehun dream– in every sense. 

\---

Sometimes Sehun dreams that Zhang Yixing comes back to them. They’re not particularly inspiring dreams, not dreams of EXO winning awards or being invited to perform at the Olympic games, but instead dreams that calm his heart, that make his soul cry out less and the ache just a little bit softer. 

In his dreams, Zhang Yixing comes back and he  _ stays. _ They release an album together, the nine of them (twelve of them), and perform together and go on tour together and it feels complete because that’s what they are– complete. 

Sehun wakes from these dreams with tears in his eyes and emptiness in his heart. The dreams are absolutely brilliant, and sweet, and he can’t help but feel hope slip away with every second he remains awake. 

Nightmares aren’t dreams gone wrong, he thinks. They’re just the dreams you wake up from. 

\---

And, in the morning, perhaps earlier than he wants it to be, when Sehun has woken up, he stays awake. He does what he needs to do, finishes his schedules and goes where the manager asks him to. He eats with the rest of group, and sleeps in the same building as the rest of the group, and awaits comeback just like everyone else does– both the rest of the group and the screaming sea of dreams. 

What else is there for him to do? 

What point is there in having a bigger, better dream when he’s already living this one now, he asks himself. What is the point in hoping that Zhang Yixing will come back to them when there are forces much greater at work, political forces, ones that no one bothers to explain to them but they still must adhere to all the same?

They all play their part. Everyone is just a tiny cog in the giant machine, and it’s their job to keep running, even when their feet are sore and their legs are tired. 

It’s pointless to dream, especially when he’s accomplished so much. There are others out there, Sehun is sure, that cannot even dream of coming close to their dream. Others that don’t have half of what he does. He should be thankful, Sehun knows that, but he can’t help but look at the messages he sends to Zhang Yixing and listen to his voice during video calls and want more. Want it all. 

Love is inadvisable, yes, but Sehun has fallen for his dream anyways. Love is improbable, sure, but Sehun has found it regardless. Love is unacceptable, but no one knows but him, and it can stay that way. Love is unavoidable just like Zhang Yixing is unavoidable and Sehun has no regrets, not here, not in this regard. (He can’t. He won’t let himself.)

It’s okay that Zhang Yixing doesn’t love him back, doesn’t know that Sehun loves him at all. It’s okay that he’s miles away and living his own version of his dream, complete with remixes of an already brilliant song and a third album on the way. It’s okay that Zhang Yixing is successful, because that means he’s happy, and even if Sehun did have regrets he could never regret giving up on Zhang Yixing so the other man could be happy. 

I am living my dream, he tells himself, every morning, staring in the mirror. I am happy.

(Someday, he might even believe it.) 

**Author's Note:**

> i woke up from the best dream i have ever dreamt and realized it was a dream. everything felt like a nightmare after that.
> 
> [tumblr](http://www.highlightjunhui.tumblr.com) [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/jwptmf)
> 
>  
> 
> [\---](http://www.archive.skyehawke.com/story.php?no=88888888888)


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